My wife and I spend a lot of time at the beach. So far every weekend at least one day since April, if not both, were spent at the beach. After three decades together we don’t always have a lot to talk about. While lying on the beach I have time to think, relax, nap… Yesterday, I was thinking between napping and relaxing.
I thought about how the dynamics in our marriage have changed from where we once were. How we have transitioned from my always obsessing over making sure she was happy to understanding she is responsible for her own happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I still take care of her and ensure she is comfortable, but I don’t worry about it after asking one time and her telling me she’s fine. We are adults and she should at this point be able to communicate what’s bothering her.
Social media memes and our culture would say I am making a huge mistake, but on the contrary it has been one of the best changes I’ve made. I used to ask repeatedly what is wrong, try to fix things, bounce around like a boy trying to please his mother. Years ago I stopped all that and it appears she is much happier. In addition, she knows if she doesn’t speak up, I’m moving on.
In fact, it seems the tables have turned. She now is the one trying to please me. Going out of her way to make sure I am happy and satisfied. At times, I see what is going on and it still seems strange. She has always been a caring person, but the lengths she goes to now would seem outlandish to many married men and women these days. Go to any get together involving couples and inevitably you hear “Happy Wife Happy Life” or some version of that.
While I want her to be happy, and do what I can to achieve that, her happiness is hers alone to control. It seems what makes her happy is making me happy, spending time together, ensuring I am not hungry, uncomfortable and yes… even horny.
I am not a relationship guru. This transformation of our marriage took time, work and patience. When I set out on my journey to improve my life, and our marriage, I did not know where it would end up. I had a vision of what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure my wife would want the same thing or would be with me to enjoy my vision. I proceeded anyway knowing I could not go on the way things were. It appears my actions were exactly what she was waiting for. I find myself asking her what’s wrong much less frequently these days. Not because I don’t care, but because she is a much happier person now.
Your results may differ, and how much you want to push it is up to each individual. However, in order to get to the top of the mountain you need to be willing to risk it all. Hopefully your spouse is the one who joins you there, but you may need to face the possibility that you may end up on top with (and of) someone else.
Harsh words, but necessary for success. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it…
We are both Coca Cola people, but I liked the picture…
We’re headed back to the beach today. The weather is beautiful right now, sunny and cool, but warm enough for the beach. Perfect Jeep weather. I’ll let you know if I have some more thoughts between naps today.