First off, Hurricane Florence is impacting North Carolina, making landfall as I type this. Please remember those folks and keep them in your thoughts and prayers. They are going to need it.
Usually, when you are reading sex advice, the instructions are complicated and often unrealistic. The time and energy they suggest would be draining for a 20 something, never mind a couple staring nose to nose at 50. That’s where familiarity comes in.
These days, familiarity and “the usual” is a dirty word when it comes to sex. The virtues of newness and spontaneity are touted as the only way to have a successful sex life. I’ve got news for you. While there is still some uncharted waters in our bedroom, there isn’t much we haven’t explored after thirty two years of sex with the same person. It is my opinion that not every sexual encounter has to include restraints, blindfolds, ball gags and handprints on asses. (Although we do enjoy them when we open the toy chest) Often in a long term marriage the good old fashioned sex between to people is all that’s needed. There may be a few different positions or acts on any given encounter, but essentially vanilla is all you have energy for at times. Keep in mind, she often initiates sex. There are times I think to myself that she must need a break, but apparently she doesn’t. I tell her she’s addicted to me, she just laughs and says, “You did it.”
For example, (which prompted this post) we have sex of some kind almost every day. One night this week we finished watching something we recorded and went back to prepare for bed at exactly 8pm. We washed up, brushed teeth and were in bed shortly after. We then proceeded to sex, mutually enjoyed. when we were done, my wife looks at the clock and chuckles.
I asked, “What’s funny?”
She replied, “It’s 8:11, not bad for a couple of oldies.”
I smiled, “You’re one lucky woman.”
She said, “I know, I married and expert.”
My response, “You’re welcome ma’am.”
She rolled over and held my arm with both hands. She was asleep within 5 minutes, probably less.
I thought about this and remembered all those years when sex was a struggle, me all but begging and bartering for sex (sadly, sometimes I did), yet here we are with her now thanking me. All because I embraced who I am supposed to be, not who the media or society said I should be. That was all she ever wanted.
I do not claim to be a sex expert (don’t tell her that). It is simply all the time we have spent exploring and figuring out what each other wants and what gets us going. There is definitely a short-cut and a scenic route for us when it comes to sex. The truth is we enjoy both. However, we know what path to take on any given day. Not every sexual encounter has to be a 5 course meal. That can get just as old and if you wait until you both have the time and energy for a full meal you will rarely eat.
While less than 11 minutes may seem ridiculously fast, it is often the usual for week days (though admittedly it’s usually a little longer). It is just right for us. We both go to bed sharing some closeness, happy, and able to sleep soundly. Who doesn’t want to go to bed feeling like that…
You see, long term marriage doesn’t have to be a punch line about being miserable and sexless. A marriage is what you make of it.