I was reading some posts recently on the Blackdragonblog. I really like his work, except that he is vehemently anti-marriage. I actually agree with many of his beliefs on marriage, I just disagree on the reasons most marriages do not work or result in unhappiness.
He believes marriage doesn’t work because people were not meant to be monogamous. I believe marriage doesn’t work because people are generally selfish and self centered. The resentment, loneliness and / or lack of sex that develops from that selfishness sends many into the arms (and beds) of someone else.
Marriage is a lot of work, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But, so is getting laid if you are single. If you believe being single means a different vagina every night and all sunshine and roses you are sadly mistaken, no matter what magical PUA skills you have. If the criteria for being happy is simply getting laid I’d say single life and married life is going to be pretty even. Being a cop, I worked with mostly men. I heard my share of marriage horror stories, too many. I also heard (and enjoyed) the stories of the variety single life brings. The problem is almost all of them complained of feast or famine when it came to sex. It was awesome during times of plenty, there was hot tub sex, hanging from chandeliers, threesomes, the stories were amazing. The issue came when the crazy came out, and it almost always came out… but that’s a another post I need to write…
The problem I heard from single men was the (sometimes extensive) stretches in between when there was nobody home to take care of that sexual itch. As a married man I never go more than a day without sex. Was it always like this? No. Was it easy to get here? No. However, now that this is the norm it is much easier to maintain.
“Yes, but what about the quality?”
Ahh, the age old quality vs. quantity question. I’ll say it like this. Sometimes all you want is drive through and other times you want the multi course meal. Every week provides a little of both, as it should. I sometimes think about those bucket list items I will likely never cross off the list. Although, I have crossed off more in the past few years than I ever thought I would so who knows… I certainly see women and wonder what they sound like when they come. So does the single man. Being single doesn’t give a man the superpower to bed any woman he pleases.
Below is an excerpt from one of BD’s posts. While I certainly can understand and believe these are common complaints, they can all be avoided if you choose your wife wisely. In all honestly, most of these would have been evident in the dating phase, but many men suffer from a bad case of “oneitis” or are just happy to finally be having sex, and are blinded by the prospect of sex from seeing the signs.
“The most common complaints men have regarding their wives in long-term marriages are, in order, her complaining, the fact she doesn’t want to improve herself, concern that the wife is bored with them (the husband), lack of sex, communication problems, and always feeling like the “bad guy” when it comes to parenting children.[*] “
For the record, I have none of these complaints. Except the communication one, she is like a man in that way. Once I came to accept this about her, it became a blessing. It was just confusing before I understood it when I thought she was mad for some reason, but come bed time she puts on a sexual performance that would make a porn star blush… Maybe not that good… but a hell of a time nonetheless. Now I ask one time what’s bugging her and move on. We are both happier with the speak up or let it go rule.
The perception of many single men is that married men have to live by some set of rules put forth by wives. I can see how they believe this, and many do. So many married men walk around quoting “Happy wife happy life”, “I have to check with the boss” or the ever popular “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” all of which make me want to puke. Maybe if you married a spoiled a 13 year old girl these would apply. If you are doing marriage right, neither you nor your wife would ever utter these words.
What I’m saying is marriage is not a prison sentence as so many anti-marriage bloggers believe. Is it work? Yes. Is it all blow jobs and anal? No. Marriage is what you make of it. Just like being single.
If you work at being a PUA single guy you will get laid like tile. If you are lazy and don’t work at being the best version of you as single man, you will get uncomfortably familiar with your hand. The same can be said of being married.
Often married and divorced men complain of the bait and switch their wives pulled on them. In my opinion, there are two problems. One, they missed the signs before marrying her (oneitis) or two, they stopped being the man they were when they were dating her. They got lazy, comfortable, whatever and stopped being the guy she wanted to have sex with.
I’m not only blaming men here. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Some women are just not pleasant people (see choose wisely advice). However, the only one we can control is ourselves. Make yourself the best version you can be so she will want to keep up. If not, and you decide you need to move on, you will be in a better position to be successful on your own.
Go read Blackdragon’s blog because he has some great advice. Just understand that marriage doesn’t have to be gloom and doom and being single/divorced isn’t always the panacea it appears to be. They both have the merits, you simply need to decide what is best for you.
Look, marriage can be good, single life can be good. I don’t think less of a man because he’s single. Nor should a single man assume someone is a sexless, beta, pussy whipped chump because he’s married. I love talking to single men because they have the best sex stories. What the single man should understand is that a married man, doing marriage right, will have a ton of stories as well, but you probably won’t hear them. Why? Because, well, it’s his wife and it’s kinda fucked up to tell your buddies how your wife can suck a golf ball through a garden hose…