As men, most of us think about sex a lot. When we wake up, at the gym, in the shower, in the grocery store, at the restaurant. It’s likely not far off to say at least one time every hour, but probably more than that. Yet, in our current culture we are forced to repress these feelings and deny the urge exists. After all, we don’t want to offend someone or admit we are men. Most of these thoughts involve an amazing ass or great tits. Sometimes we don’t know what it is, it’s just a sensuality some women express that you can’t quiet put your finger on. As a married man, you will not act on these and pursue these urges with women who you are not married to (at least you shouldn’t). Yet, these thoughts exist as part of who we are as men. While we love our wives for things other than visual beauty, it is at least part of what first attracted us to them… for most of us…
What many men do to douse the fire is turn to porn and masturbation. Often because it is easier than pursuing sex with their wives. This is not the answer. Avoiding rejection will not put out the flame of your raging sex drive. In reality, porn prevents you from living.
If you want sex with your wife, tell her. Do it, do not hide your masculinity and let her falsely believe you are okay with a subpar sex life. Let her know what it is you want, what turns you on. Let her decide what to do with that information. Often, if you are doing things right, you will see her act on your desires. Maybe not right away, especially if you have hidden parts of you from her, but she will often get comfortable with the ideas you present.
Remember, you cannot be angry about not getting what you want when she doesn’t know what you want. She is not a mind reader.
We have been married almost 25 years and still go at it like rabbits. Now that my son is working evenings (he got a job over Christmas break) it’s like we are teenagers waiting for our parents to leave. Sex was often reserved for before bed because of kids always being around, but it was always a priority for both of us. We made time even when there wasn’t. Now that my son is working, sex is whenever we feel like it. We run back for a romp and come back to the living room for a drink, or desert and some TV. Definitely a different feel.
None of this would be possible if I hadn’t told her years ago I could take no more of the way things were. I remember her looking at me and saying “I didn’t know it was that important to you.” What??? How the hell not!!! But you know what? It was my fault. I didn’t want to “pressure” her and acted like it was okay when we didn’t have sex. Not that you should pout, but I acted like it want important to me either. This was a lie that caused a lot of resentment.
The truth is, while her sexual desire is still primarily responsive, now that sex is almost daily, all it takes is a look or me to stand up and grab her by the hand pulling her to the bedroom. All because I made it clear that I am not a eunuch content with my balls in her purse. In fact, I estimate that about 20-25 percent of the time she is the one who initiates sex. Of course, she is much more subtle, but its there now that I know what to look for.
Of course, you need to be owning your own shit for this to be applicable. If you are a pathetic beta male who is not winning, or at least trying, telling her you want blow job is not going to get you one… At least the enthusiastic one with that finish you like. However, once you have your life running on all cylinders and sex still isn’t what you want it to be, evaluate what you have (or haven’t) shared with her. Does she know what it is you want or expect? If you haven’t, don’t blame her, and by all means don’t use her ignorance of your desires as a reason to dip your wick elsewhere. That just makes you an asshole…
Despite what society tries to tell you, sex is not supposed to decline after marriage. It should be better and easier the more you know each other. Having those conversations is not always easy, but they are necessary to ensure you both are getting what you want out of that part of the marriage.
You want and desire sex, to let your wife believe otherwise is a lie and unfair to your wife. Don’t let that lie end your marriage or lead you to do something that you cannot undo.