Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience with your spouse. However, for some it is a painful one, and that pain can last quite awhile. If you watch Hollywood’s depictions of sex you think women orgasm within seconds, and always from intercourse. If you don’t know better, it can make you feel like something is wrong with you if this is not your experience, causing frustration, anger, and a host of other unhealthy thoughts surrounding sex. If the sex is not good for two healthy, able bodied people in a marriage, it can result in a variety of relationship issues and resentment on both sides.
For most couples, sex isn’t sex unless it ends with penis in vagina intercourse, with all other activities relegated to foreplay. Some women find intercourse neutral at best, and some find it outright painful. There are many reasons for this, those are not the focus of this post. The most frustrating situation is when there is no apparent reason and the doctor’s only advice is, “Take Tylenol and bear it.” (Actual quote from a female doctor to my wife.) I’d like to tell you her pain was due to me being overly endowed, but sadly I am well within the “average” range. Although we have never found a doctor who gave us a reason, or constructive advice for what to do, it seems to be a matter of lubrication for us. After trying every lube known to man, none of which worked, we discovered coconut oil and it has helped tremendously. Even with coconut oil, it can be painful at times, particularly if I go to long before finishing. With all the talk and snake oil cures for premature ejaculation, It seems I’m the only guy in the world trying to finish faster!!! In addition, studies continually confirm that most women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone.
So what does all this mean?
I believe we should rethink sex and understand Hollywood’s standard is not the standard we should all strive for. Intercourse requires an erect penis and lubricated vagina. If there are any problems with either, sex becomes a problem. If you aren’t dealing with these issues already, with age they become more likely so standby. If we engage in sex without expectations of intercourse we can relax and stop stressing over performance and how things are “supposed” to go. We can enjoy what we like and not rush to climax.
Worrying about what sexual activity is popular, or for some acceptable, limits our enjoyment and makes sex too complicated. You are better served by discovering the whole menu, deciding what it is you like, and sharing that with your spouse.
Accepting the sexual hierarchy where intercourse is at the apex, and the only indicator of success, can limit your enjoyment of sex. If you are not experiencing sexual problems with performance, consider yourself fortunate. Time will eventually catch up with all of us. It is important that we widen our perspective when it comes to what we consider pleasurable and acceptable as a sexual experience with our spouse.
If you and your spouse find intercourse is awesome, you sound like someone running in flip flops when you go at it (I love that sound during sex…) and have no issues, by all means bang away. But, if you find yourself in the camp where intercourse is not all it’s advertised to be, understand it is but one part of the sexual experience we can enjoy as couples.
For a red blooded American male, it’s hard to accept that our wives aren’t in blissful trance when we bless them with our magical cocks. However, many women view intercourse with indifference at best. If pain is associated with intercourse can you really blame her? For years I thought my wife was incapable of orgasm. Once I accepted that sex is not limited to one act, I found she is very orgasmic, no tools (toys) required, and she now seeks out sex because it is associated with pleasure, not pain. Something enjoyed, not done out of duty. She is a different woman, we are a different couple.
We always were best friends, but the sex problems perpetually loomed heavily and threatened our marriage. Fortunately, we made it to the other side and can now enjoy a complete marriage. Sex these days is very frequent and pleasurable in our house, but it didn’t happen without work and changing perspectives on what sex is supposed to be.
If you are experiencing issues with sex, try to figure out what the obstacles are and lead your marriage to where it should be for both of you. Let go of your old expectations and understand there is a sexual buffet to choose from if something is not to your taste. Grab a plate and load up, you are bound to find something you like. Don’t be shy, after all, it’s should be all you can eat when it comes to marital sex!