I know it’s been awhile since my last post. During that time we moved, the kids have been out of school. It has been a busy summer to say the least. If you haven’t bought a home since before the housing crash, be prepared. It is nothing like it was before. Our finances are relatively simple, we have good, steady income and we maintain very little debt. A very small home loan should be easy. Not so… It has been a hellish experience akin a trip to the proctologist, he and the loan underwriters seem occupy the same place in your body. All the more reason to payoff everything and double bird all of them. However, the colonoscopy the mortgage company provided is not the reason for my return.
I write here hoping to help someone find their way, realize they are not alone in wondering what happened to men, their life, and why they feel their life is like a shoe that doesn’t fit right. Livable, but always mildly uncomfortable…
Another reason I write is because it serves as sort of an online journal to help me sort my thoughts. The noise in my head can get pretty loud with the entire family expecting dad to put out all their fires, expecting and knowing that “dad will take care of it.” That is fine with me, it goes with the job. However, at times, it leaves little room for dad’s fires. Since retiring, I have no real access to male friends to talk to. The only one I have to vent to is my wife, and she doesn’t need or want to hear me bitching. Nor is it her job to fix my problems. So there I am, alone with my racing thoughts through the night, trying to sort out all the shit in my head. Writing helps me sort the thoughts, separate the negative thoughts and discard them, see clearly what is a real problem and what is not.
Which brings me to my point (finally). I received a call from the agency I retired from. I was told I was moved to “Reserve Officer” status when I retired. (What??? Why???) Since retiring I have been shown as “inactive.” Of course I have, I retired!
Now why didn’t I get signed up for this instead??? (And yes mine would let me stay)
In my state you generally have about four years before your law enforcement certificate expires once you are no longer attached to an agency. However, since some asshole put me in reserve status, and I have been inactive, (aka didn’t know I was a reserve officer) my certificate will expire on August 1st unless I jump through some hoops and become active. Now keep in mind, at my agency reserve officers are volunteers, there is no pay. Why in the hell would I request to be a reserve officer when I could have stayed and been paid? This situation leaves me no choice, either join the reserves or lose my certificate. Closing the door on my ability to take another law enforcement job, which I have been seriously considering. More of a retirement job with the state, but it still requires an active certificate.
The worst part is I turned down the state job I am eyeing a few months ago because I was going to pursue the real estate career. That was fucking stupid, and I’m disappointed in myself. I usually make good, safe decisions (take the job you know), but the one time I take a chance I fuck myself. I knew as I was saying it I was fucking up. Lesson learned I suppose… Now I am in real estate and fucking hate it. The money is good, but people are in general are a pain in the ass. Both the customers and more so, the other realtors. I guess it’s like many sales jobs, you have some good, but many I wouldn’t trust at all. Seeing how some of them operate, I realize I am in the wrong business. I can lie to a shit bird who did evil things to another human being, and spent his life being an asshole to all those around him. I cannot lie to a young couple trying to buy or sell a house. It’s not right and I will not do it. Yet others, very successful others, can do it and not bat an eye.
So what now? I spent a restless night kicking myself for bad decisions, wishing evil things upon the person who signed me up for the reserves when I retired (I was told there were about 20 of us who were signed up, but were never asked), and wondering what the hell I am going to do. Wondering why others I know have spent their lives doing shady things, being lazy, yet they always fall ass backwards into money, jobs, fortunate situations.
After I got it all out of my system, I looked around and realized my life is pretty damn good. I don’t need to work, I have a steady income through my pension, my wife is a hot gym girl who stays in great shape, never says no to sex and often is the initiator, including the random unexpected BJ. I have three great, low maintenance kids and a brand new, very low, mortgage house. Plus, I just put new knobby tires on my old jeep. Life is good for this guy.
Sometimes you just have to say “Fuck Em All…”
Now that’s a good wife…
I’ll decide Monday what I’m going to do about the reserves. Whatever I decide, I’ll move on from it. I am going to try to find a new mission. See what other opportunities are out there that I may have overlooked due to tunnel vision. Look to other interests I have and see if there are opportunities there. In the mean time I will enjoy this awesome life I have. I will enjoy the great wife I have, that is one decision I did not fuck up. I will do my best to see the path to success rather than bemoan the road blocks. I will learn to more frequently say Fuck Em All…