Highs and Lows With Sex Drives

Why is sex drive so much different from one person to the next?  The lucky bastard who had that answer would be a rich man.  There as many theories as there are people it seems.  Everything from psychological reasons to hormones have been explored.  Although they all can be a contributing factor, none have been revealed as the smoking gun. 

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A man with low T can have a high sex drive, while a person with normal to high T, man or woman, can have little to none.  Attraction to your partner, hygiene, fitness can all have an impact.  None of them tell the whole story. 

My theory (and that’s all it is) is that our sex drive may be in our genes.  It’s the only thing that can explain the vast difference between people’s sex drive.  Sex drive can be, and often is, faked by someone trying to manipulate another into something they want.  True sex drive is recognized by those who possess it. 

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Someone with a truly high drive experiences it as a constant “white noise” playing in the background of their head.  This doesn’t mean infidelity or cheating is a given with a high drive person.  Reason, love and responsibility can and should take precedence when it comes to relationships.  However, a person in a marriage with a low drive partner can feel stifled and suffocated by the constant need to reign in their sexuality.  It can be difficult for the low drive spouse as well, but generally the low drive spouse controls the flow of sex in a marriage. 

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Even when the low drive spouse agrees to sex, there is often a palpable feeling of reluctance and restraint.  It could be because they are truly uncomfortable, or it could be because they are afraid to make it “too good” fearing it will only invite more persistent pursuit by the high drive spouse.  Either way, the higher drive spouse can usually sense the reluctance.  Nobody wants “pity sex”, but unfortunately that’s what is often served in a relationship between spouses on the opposite ends of the sex drive scale. 

The most confusing thing about this is that low sex drive is not always tied to difficulty or inability to orgasm.  Let that sink in for a minute…  As a high sex drive person you ask yourself why would everyone not find orgasm awesome and pursue them with passion?  The reality is there’s much more to sex than an orgasm. 

The manopshere suggests making yourself awesome to make your wife want to fuck you.  While this is true if you are a lazy, out of shape turd, but what do you do if you already are killing it?  Your spouse wanting to fuck you out of fear of losing you because you are awesome is better than not fucking you at all, but the motivation really goes back to manipulating you into to control you.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being manipulated.  I don’t like someone having sex with me out of “fear.”  Especially if it’s someone you otherwise love and want to spend your life with. 

So what’s the answer????

That will depend on each person.  For some, realizing that thing you’ve always wanted will never happen proves to be too much, and life is too short to go without.  You may refuse to hide your kink, fantasy, dream trip to a clothing optional resort, threesome, sex with you, her and a midget, whatever.  Perhaps moving on is what’s best for you.  

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For others, meeting in the middle will be what many will choose.  This does not mean you have to hide your desires or kinks.  It does mean that they may remain a fantasy, never to see the light of day (perhaps with some of those kinks, they would be best left in the dark anyway???).  However, the low drive spouse should up their game as much as the other tones theirs down.  There is a meeting of the minds.  Boundaries are established.  Options are agreed upon for those things unacceptable to the other. 

The problem with this scenario is that both spouses may find themselves feeling like they are giving too much and the other not enough.  This is what will separate the men from the boys so to speak.  This realization will force you to make a hard decision, but if you truly love your spouse, it’s doing what’s right.  Deciding what you can and can’t live without. 

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Betty Paige Anyone???

Staying to keep the peace, despite being miserable, will show through in your interactions and marriage.  At the other end is deciding to give up on a certain act, frequency or kink and being content with hoping for a change of heart… someday…  In the middle is having the hard conversation with your wife, telling her what it is you want, and possibly coming up with a compromise that will satisfy your desires that at the same time is something she is comfortable doing and will not resent.  No matter the path you choose, none of these are easy conversations or decisions.  However, as a man you owe it to your self and your wife you (in theory) love to make known your desires.  Pouting and wallowing in a pit of passive aggressiveness is something a child would do. 

You are not a child…  or are you?          

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6 thoughts on “Highs and Lows With Sex Drives

  1. I love your blog!!! I love the pin-up girl pictures and the tone and just everything. You and your wife sound like great people.

    This was such an interesting post, too, especially about figuring out what you can or cannot live with/without sexually. How true….

    My husband and I are really lucky, we started out our marriage just insanely sexual, which is weird since I was a total and complete virginal (no sex/any kind of semi-sex activity) girl when he married me. And it was wild and still is really wild, which seems . And we’ve done and experienced things together that I never would have thought I would have tried lol… and that has come up – figuring out where our limits are for each person, figuring out if he could live with my limits since you men seem to be uber uber sexual lol! And him deciding that since we’re just still insanely sexual and open to experimenting in different ways, that my few limits are more than worth it to stay.

    I don’t know… I just totally relate to this! Awesome writing, too, you remind me of someone else who used to write in the manosphere but I’m not sure who.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Stephanie, I appreciate you reading. The pin up girls and vintage art are something I’ve always found interesting. I try to pick images that match what I’m writing about, but it’s not always easy to find. Even when they are not wearing much, there’s something classy about the girls. Maybe not the right word, but all I can say is I like them.

    Part of our problem is we started dating so young (15) so we kind of grew up together. Neither one of us had any idea about what sex was supposed to be other than what you see in movies (we’re talking the 70’s and 80’s here… pre internet). Therefore, our inexperience and naivety led to disappointment… for both of us…

    We’ve have it figured out now, but it took a lot of work and many frustrating years to get where we are. It would’ve been easy to throw my hands up and walk away, but I knew at the core there was love. As police officers, there is temptation everywhere. Women seem to love cops for some reason and when you are frustrated at home I can see how a man could get distracted. The divorce rate is very high for cops and I believe the constant opportunity, is a big factor.

    That gal you meet working off duty at the bank seems great, but she is single for a reason. However, when your wife is trying to care for three kids at home, and has very little energy for you and your sexual needs, a man tends to look past her crazy. Those things she does that your wife won’t seem awesome. Then, one day, you realize the mistake you’ve made because her crazy becomes too much. Seen it too many times… You can try to warn your buddy because you see it coming, but when he’s finally getting what he’s been starved for he can’t hear you.

    We do things sexually now that I thought would never in a million years happen, usually instigated by her these days. I believe it is me changing into the man I was supposed to be, and she thought she was getting, that has changed her. Before we got married I was myself, and that’s what she loved. After marriage, I turned into the beta that makes her skin crawl (I now know) because I thought that’s what marriage was and how it worked. When I look back at myself, and behavior early in our marriage, it’s no wonder we had struggles sexually. We both carry blame, but as the leader I definitely dropped the ball.

    What’s important is we have finally figured it out. What I try to do is share what worked for us so maybe others can use the information to improve their marriages and lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “As police officers, there is temptation everywhere. Women seem to love cops for some reason and when you are frustrated at home I can see how a man could get distracted. The divorce rate is very high for cops and I believe the constant opportunity, is a big factor.”

      Oh yea!!! I was going to ask you how you handled that when y’all were in a sexual rut? My husband is constantly fighting off sexy women lol! I don’t mind though, he is very happy with what he has at home, so I’m at peace with his job and all the “Badge Bunnies.” LOL

      Just recently our city decided to do a “hot cop” calendar where several of the men were picked for it 😀 So funny… and annoying!!!

      I’m so glad y’all figured out what worked and yes that makes sense being together from so young. We had an unfair advantage to be sure… I worked at a Christian bookstore and read tons and tons of marriage and sex books. We even read a few together which was so great!

      Again, great blog!


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