Why is sex drive so much different from one person to the next? The lucky bastard who had that answer would be a rich man. There as many theories as there are people it seems. Everything from psychological reasons to hormones have been explored. Although they all can be a contributing factor, none have been revealed as the smoking gun.
A man with low T can have a high sex drive, while a person with normal to high T, man or woman, can have little to none. Attraction to your partner, hygiene, fitness can all have an impact. None of them tell the whole story.
My theory (and that’s all it is) is that our sex drive may be in our genes. It’s the only thing that can explain the vast difference between people’s sex drive. Sex drive can be, and often is, faked by someone trying to manipulate another into something they want. True sex drive is recognized by those who possess it.
Someone with a truly high drive experiences it as a constant “white noise” playing in the background of their head. This doesn’t mean infidelity or cheating is a given with a high drive person. Reason, love and responsibility can and should take precedence when it comes to relationships. However, a person in a marriage with a low drive partner can feel stifled and suffocated by the constant need to reign in their sexuality. It can be difficult for the low drive spouse as well, but generally the low drive spouse controls the flow of sex in a marriage.
Even when the low drive spouse agrees to sex, there is often a palpable feeling of reluctance and restraint. It could be because they are truly uncomfortable, or it could be because they are afraid to make it “too good” fearing it will only invite more persistent pursuit by the high drive spouse. Either way, the higher drive spouse can usually sense the reluctance. Nobody wants “pity sex”, but unfortunately that’s what is often served in a relationship between spouses on the opposite ends of the sex drive scale.
The most confusing thing about this is that low sex drive is not always tied to difficulty or inability to orgasm. Let that sink in for a minute… As a high sex drive person you ask yourself why would everyone not find orgasm awesome and pursue them with passion? The reality is there’s much more to sex than an orgasm.
The manopshere suggests making yourself awesome to make your wife want to fuck you. While this is true if you are a lazy, out of shape turd, but what do you do if you already are killing it? Your spouse wanting to fuck you out of fear of losing you because you are awesome is better than not fucking you at all, but the motivation really goes back to manipulating you into to control you. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being manipulated. I don’t like someone having sex with me out of “fear.” Especially if it’s someone you otherwise love and want to spend your life with.
So what’s the answer????
That will depend on each person. For some, realizing that thing you’ve always wanted will never happen proves to be too much, and life is too short to go without. You may refuse to hide your kink, fantasy, dream trip to a clothing optional resort, threesome, sex with you, her and a midget, whatever. Perhaps moving on is what’s best for you.
For others, meeting in the middle will be what many will choose. This does not mean you have to hide your desires or kinks. It does mean that they may remain a fantasy, never to see the light of day (perhaps with some of those kinks, they would be best left in the dark anyway???). However, the low drive spouse should up their game as much as the other tones theirs down. There is a meeting of the minds. Boundaries are established. Options are agreed upon for those things unacceptable to the other.
The problem with this scenario is that both spouses may find themselves feeling like they are giving too much and the other not enough. This is what will separate the men from the boys so to speak. This realization will force you to make a hard decision, but if you truly love your spouse, it’s doing what’s right. Deciding what you can and can’t live without.
Betty Paige Anyone???
Staying to keep the peace, despite being miserable, will show through in your interactions and marriage. At the other end is deciding to give up on a certain act, frequency or kink and being content with hoping for a change of heart… someday… In the middle is having the hard conversation with your wife, telling her what it is you want, and possibly coming up with a compromise that will satisfy your desires that at the same time is something she is comfortable doing and will not resent. No matter the path you choose, none of these are easy conversations or decisions. However, as a man you owe it to your self and your wife you (in theory) love to make known your desires. Pouting and wallowing in a pit of passive aggressiveness is something a child would do.
You are not a child… or are you?