I was with some people the other day and somehow the subject of kink came up. The room was mostly on the side of kink is bad or deviant in some way. However, a good portion of the room felt kink is fine as long as it is not hurting someone else and is consensual. This conversation got me thinking about my own views on kink versus vanilla.
I believe if we are honest, we have all had a sexual thought that would be considered “kinky” by many people. The problem comes for us when people judge us for our sexual tastes. Many cannot face this so they conceal their desires and never step out of their comfort zone, or more accurately, the comfort zone of their sexual partner, fearing judgement or worse, ridicule. Sadly, but necessarily I suppose, the vanilla in the relationship usually is the gate keeper to how far kink will go for the more adventurous partner. This can lead to frustration, boredom and in some cases infidelity.
So why are some people so firmly entrenched in the vanilla camp? I have a few theories. While not all inclusive, in my opinion these are the biggest cock blocks to the world of “kink.”
Sex Drive – Think about it, if a person has a low sex drive, no matter the cause, what need do they have to step outside their comfort zone. If a low sex drive person has a partner, it is often all they can do to muster up the drive to keep up maintenance sex…often not even that for some couples…
Upbringing – This can include religion, parents, judgmental childhood peers, or any other influence as a young person that clouded their view of sex. So many times sex is talked about in hushed voices, the term dirty old man, slut, pervert etc… are thrown about when the subject of sex is discussed. Let’s face it, some times these are justified. However, whether justified or not, these terms influence a young persons views of sex. When the only time sex is discussed it is in a negative light, and associated as a deviant behavior, this is imprinted on a young mind. These imprints can be permanent and damaging into adulthood, forever associating sex with something dirty or perverted. For some, even vanilla sex is associated with perversion and guilt, never mind something even mildly kinky. I believe upbringing to be a huge factor in the sexual issues of most couples. Many overcome it, but it can be a difficult hurdle with such a strong imprint from such an early age. It is hard to embrace kink when the thought of missionary, lights off sex makes you cringe with embarrassment.
Current Friends and Peer Group – If you associate with people who have a healthy, sex positive view of marriage, you are fortunate. Many women (and men) view marriage and sex in a very negative light, some justifiably I suppose. However, the negative views can and do influence your views on sex and kink. For example, if a woman associates with other women who find blow jobs repulsive, that feeling can carry over to her feelings about flow jobs. If they find semen disgusting, will not swallow or let their partner cum in their mouth (without ever trying it, basing their reluctance on hearsay or fear of judgement), they are robbing themselves and their partner of an act that some may find kinky, but in reality, according to statistics, is quite common.
Same goes for men who refuse to go down on their wives because some of his friends think it makes him “submissive.” These men are letting a fear of judgement interfere with the relationship between him and his wife. Very sad. This influence can cause an aversion to all kinds of sex acts such as spanking, bondage, anal, certain positions, switching roles, dom/sub play, role play, and any other number of sex acts that some find kinky, and acts only “deviants” engage in. This assumption about these sex acts can’t be farther from the truth, and missing out on the variety and all the flavors provide is truly unfortunate.
There are things that are off limits because off bad childhood experiences, bad adult experiences, pain aversion, or simply a personal preference. However, when deciding what you find deviant, or what you refuse to try, be honest about the reason. Do not use something as an excuse when deep down you know the real reason is a fear of stepping outside your comfort zone even sadder, a fear of judgement by your friends.
I am a Christian. (No hate mail I will not engage in a debate. I’ll let you be you, let me be me.) Therefore we do not engage in bringing others into our bedroom or “swinging.” Do I find the thought of a threesome or swinging arousing? Hell yeah! However, my faith and myself could not and would not allow it. First only a MFF threesome would interest me, the thought of another man with my wife makes me want to puke. The idea of a threesome lives strictly in my head. Wrong as a Christian, I know, but that is for me to deal with. However, if a co worker or friend told me they engaged in such scenes, my response would be a high five and give me the details. No judgement. In fact, as long as the act is consensual and only involves adults (and humans) I have no problem with the sexual preferences with others… anymore… admittedly, I wasn’t always this way. I mellowed with age I suppose. There are other things I find odd, peeing on someone, people who are into wearing diapers, etc… however if a buddy told me he was into that, my response would be “not for me, but good for you.” I would not hammer him with judgement and disgust. He’s not (hopefully) not asking me to partake after all. If he wants his wife to pee on him that’s his business.
Every man’s dream…
What we need to do, if we have some preference that is considered kinky, is to understand that kink is relative to each person. What’s kinky to one is vanilla and boring to another. Neither person is right or wrong, it’s only wrong to judge someone else’s desires. Someone else’s kink is not your kink, but there kink is okay.
The other thing to remember is that you have one short life on this planet. You really need to consider doing those things you have always dreamed about whether sexual or travel or whatever it is you long to do. worrying about what other people think is a waste of time. You will never please everyone. Don’t be an asshole, but don’t waste time worrying about other people either. Be you. The older I’ve gotten, I’ve realized how short life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. I used to have “guilty pleasures” whether it’s music, entertainment, or with sex. I have come to the conclusion that they will no longer be guilty pleasures as I will no longer harbor guilt over them. We like what we like as humans.
Giving haters control over you will only make two people hateful…