If you have spent any time on the internet researching the manosphere, I’m sure you have come across the term Oneitis. This is the term to describe the feeling that the woman you have set your sights on is the only girl for you. Or the feeling that your current girlfriend (or wife) is your “soulmate” that cannot be replaced. That feeling of her being “the one and only” is what can keep your eye on the ball when it comes to your marriage, specifically your sex life. However, oneitis is a double edged sword and usually not a good thing.
Don’t be this guy…
Oneitis can also blind you to her flaws. I’m not talking about the stretch marks from carrying your children, or that bit of growing grey hair she keeps hidden with the help of her hair dresser. In reality, those aren’t flaws, those are badges earned from a lifetime spent together living life as it should be. They should remind you of what you have accomplished together.
The flaws I’m talking about are different. Things such as blind to her refusal to take care of herself, (bathe, lose weight, cutting her hair to man-length short, etc…). I’m taking about a wife’s refusal to curb her spending habits, or taking out credit cards behind your back. Cheating on you either physically or in an online relationship. When you bring up these things, she berates you for “fat shaming” her, or tells you that you are controlling or cheap because you can’t financially keep up with her spending. She refuses to have sex with you or keeps you on a slow drip of just enough to shut you up.
Keep in mind, women usually show signs of such behavior prior to your marriage. Oneitis likely kept you from objectively seeing these flaws prior to marriage. In the odd case where they manifested only after marriage, excusing them because you “love her” will not solve the problems. Also realize that it is likely these problems exist for you because you failed to make good decisions before marriage and now you are either refusing to, or do not know how to lead her as you should be.
However you got there, it is time to decide what life it is you want to have. Do you want to live a life of quiet desperation (like many men choose), perpetually broke, unhappy, pussy whipped, but you don’t know why because the only release you have is when you furtively jerk off every time she goes to the store (to spend more money)? Or do you want to live the life you were meant to live?
If you want option B, it’s going to take some work and some hard decisions. For one thing, STFU and stop trying to reason with her. As long as she feels you still have her on her pedestal you have no leverage, nor do you have any credibility with her. Second, realize the only one you can control is yourself. Once you get those things established it’s time for the hard work.
Get yourself together, make sure you are handling your own business first. Look in the mirror, ask yourself “would you follow you?” “Would you want to fuck you?” “Are you a man worth following?” Objectively and realistically look at your flaws and fix them. If you are out of shape, get yourself to a gym. Stop playing those damn video games and stop watching football for twelve hours on Sunday. Also, if you are a grown man, never wear a shirt with another man’s name on it… Okay, maybe that list shows my age, but women (and many men) think it’s stupid no matter how old they are, trust me.
If you self medicate with alcohol (or any other drug) stop. I like to drink, but I do not drink to escape my problems, I drink because I want to and when I want to. I don’t drink when I don’t want to. Which leads me to another point, do not let addictions control you. Your wife and kids see addictions as weakness no matter how you try to justify it. A cigar now and then is fine, but two packs of cigarettes a day is a sign of someone who lacks self control, not to mention a waste of money. If you hate your job, work on improving your situation. Employment options will differ for everyone, but if you look at it objectively, you will know what you need to do.
Once you get going on the above items, and whatever else you decided needed fixing, show consistency. A week of improvement is not going to turn your ship around. However, over time, you will see your ship slowly change course. Women will see your improvements. Your wife will likely wonder what is up. She may accuse you of seeing another woman. Some women will fear their lofty perch crumbling beneath them. They have enjoyed their position of dominance over you for a long time and won’t give it up easily…at first. She may even try to derail you by ridiculing your changes, possibly publicly, to shake your resolve. Remain strong and maintain frame.
At some point you will either see her beginning to follow you or you won’t. When you have your life together, you are ready to start telling her the things you expect to change in the marriage. She may even begin changing them on her own out of fear of being left behind. However, some women will resist you to the end. This is where you need to decide if you have the balls to kill your oneitis. Do you have the guts to walk away if you have to, or will you resign yourself to a life of disappointment and masturbation? Your level of oneitis will determine how uncomfortable you are willing to be. If you can’t kill your oneitis you are not alone, but remember, your kids are watching. They see the example you set for a marriage. You are mapping their life for them.
Being a Catholic, I am a strong proponent of marriage and believe you should give your marriage 100% or not be married, which is okay too. However, going back to the only one you can control is yourself, you need to decide if she really loves you. Is she giving 100% as well?
Hard decisions await you my friend if she refuses to get on board, but they are but a few of many decisions you have to make as a man. It’s part of the responsibility you were given when God gave you a set of balls.
Women are told not “settle” all the time. Why should men settle? Women are the gatekeepers of what men desire, sex. However, we as men are not totally without power. We control what women desire most, commitment. Utilize that power to your advantage and make the life you want a reality. It may be easy, she may happily and willingly follow you to a lifetime of mutual happiness. It may be painful and result in a messy, costly divorce. Either way, you are now in control rather than living at the whim of the unworthy queen you placed high upon that pedestal.
Only give your “oneitis” to a woman worthy of your commitment. By oneitis I mean your loyalty and monogamy. It many sound like a lot of work, but nothing worth having comes easily.
M J Davis