Today I am going to talk about something that may or may not pertain to you. However, it was a huge discovery for me and changed our sex lives completely. It’s coconut oil, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
I may (or may not have) mentioned before that my wife and I met in high school at 15 years old. We began dating, and having sex, at 16. From the beginning sex was difficult for my wife. She said it was painful, like rubbing sand inside her. We were young, and this was the mid eighties, years before google and the internet. We had no idea what we were doing so we made due. We tried intercourse quite often, both thinking things would get better, it had to, after all they make it look so easy in the movies. Unfortunately, it did not get better. It actually got worse.
As the years went by, the pain caused my wife to dread the thought of sex. By the time we got married actual intercourse was rare, my wife became very talented at hand jobs. In fact, today I still immensely enjoy her manual talents she developed over the years. Blow jobs were common the first year or two we dated, but mysteriously, and without warning or discussion, disappeared and would not reappear for another twenty years. (I’ll talk about that in another post.) She had never allowed me to go down on her because she said it was painful and she didn’t feel comfortable.
Some of you may be wondering why the hell did you marry her if she had grown to hate sex? It is because we were 100% compatible in every other area. We had a great time in everything else we did. In addition, she tried repeatedly to fix the problem. She spoke to a female doctor in college who blamed her pain on me and told my her she should dump me. A few years later she talked to her female gynecologist about it. She had no helpful suggestions either, only telling her to drink some wine, take some Aleve, and tough it out. Not helpful and very disappointing for a supposed specialist. There were other doctors, but they were all just as useless. My point is she tried repeatedly to fix the problem, but nobody was helping. It didn’t help that because we had gotten together so young, we had no idea how to talk about sex. Neither of us knew what sex was supposed to be like. It should’ve been easy, but it wasn’t.
We were at the point where due to the pain, and my inexperience, I had a wife who had never had an orgasm. Neither of us knew anything about the clitoris or the fact that most women do not orgasm through intercourse, remember…still no internet. It was once a week hand jobs (Only Saturday nights and God forbid you miss it for some reason… You will have to wait another week). Rare intercourse because it was painful for her and I felt like shit for hurting her when we were done. I was miserable sexually. I began to blame her and began to resent her for making me live this sexually unfulfilled life. I felt trapped, but then again in every other aspect of our marriage we clicked.
As a result of my resentment and sexual frustration I began to act passive aggressively towards her. Typical beta behavior. Refusing to help around the house, kind of an asshole after sex because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. This didn’t help her attraction to me, which made things worse.
We decided to have a child. I know, what was I thinking? I didn’t want children, but thought her having a child would loosen things up down there. It didn’t… My beta passive aggressiveness got worse.
I started buying sex and relationship books trying to fix things. I got bad advice in each one. They all revolved around kissing her ass, buying her shit, going on vacations, you know the drill. I didn’t know better and was desperate so I tried them all. Of course, all that shit was a complete failure. Still, the slow drip of sex, just enough to keep me around. As we fumbled along we ended up with two more kids.
I was a cop in a fairly large city (now retired), I became a detective early in my career. For whatever reason, women love cops. Maybe it’s the badge or uniform, their illusion of the power we have, the steady income, the feeling of safety they get, who knows, but women seem to be attracted to even the dumpiest looking cops. I’ve seen it and it always amazed me. I had always worked out some, but my diet sucked. Still, being a cop and decent looking I got regular IOIs and it made me think what if I say fuck it and take one of these girls up on their offers.
That’s when I took a hard look in the mirror said no more. I got my ass in the gym, cleaned up my diet. I went from 220lbs to a low of 167lbs. I looked at the rest of my life and said I’m not being a pussy in my marriage anymore. I am stating what I want, what I want from my wife sexually, what I expect. At the same time I stopped the passive aggressiveness. When I became sexually frustrated, I headed to the gym. No more pouting. I decided I would either turn this marriage into what I want or I’ll have to decide if it’s worth the sexless pain. Do these things sound familiar? I made these changes about 2003, many years before I’d heard of the manosphere, game, red pill-blue pill, No More Mr. Nice Guy books. I just did what felt natural to me. I stopped listening to those relationship book authors and became who I thought I was supposed to be.
Just like you would imagine the changes worked. My wife upped her own game. She got herself in the gym and to this day remains a dedicated daily gym rat. With a body to show for it. Blow jobs came roaring back when I said I want them back on the table. Sex was plentiful. Then I read about vibrators and the clitoris. This changed sex for us. Once she learned how, orgasms came quickly and regularly for her. We found the Hitachi Magic Wand and haven’t needed anything else since. However, intercourse was still painful, therefore rare.
One day, while on a sex board called The Marriage Bed I found out about coconut oil. We had tried every lube known to man over the years. None of them worked, a few would work for about 30 seconds, then the pain would start. Most however, were useless to us and tasted like crap. There was even a humorous episode when we tried His and Hers by KY. To this day we refer to it as “The Burning Crotch Lube.” I had my doubts about coconut oil, but I figured what the fuck? I bought some and we used it. That day things changed completely sexually. There was no more pain. It was amazing. We have never looked back.
Coconut oil is a solid at room temperature (depending on the temperature). It melts in your hand immediately. It doesn’t stain sheets, dries clear, soaks into the skin and can be used for massages. It has no real taste and is odorless, at least the brand we use, LouAna, which we buy at Walmart. It is amazing stuff.
Today, intercourse is regular. We have some form of sex almost every day and intercourse 4-5 times a week. For years, intercourse was ease in gently and move as little as possible, but fortunately, since it was so rare, it didn’t take much for me. Today, she prefers intercourse over any other way for me to finish. She enjoys a hard pounding, seems the harder the better. She still doesn’t orgasm from intercourse, but I believe there is hope. In the past few months, while giving her oral we found her g spot. I didn’t believe she had one before… She can now orgasm from oral 95% of the time.
We are a different couple sexually. Sex is expected and anticipated by both of us. She initiates sex probably 30% of the time. She wears outfits on her own, she gives the unexpected, unreciprocated BJ for no reason. This is not the woman I married all those years ago. Partially because I got my shit together, but also due to the coconut oil. Can you imagine every time you had sex it felt like some rubbing sand paper on your dick, and as a bonus you never got to cum? No wonder she avoided sex like the plague. I do have to hand it to her, as bad as it was, and pussy as I acted over it, she never cut sex off completely. Once a week was much more than many married men get. In addition, she continued to try to fix it on her own and was always open to my suggestions.
I am writing this for two reasons. One, to let guys know things can change. Improving yourself can improve your marriage. Getting your ass in the gym is a good first step. Your self improvement can motivate your wife to improve as well. The other reason is I want to help any one else who’s wife is suffering from this type of pain. Try coconut oil, what could it hurt? Even if you don’t have issues, I endorse coconut oil for anyone who is looking for a good lube, plus it’s all natural, paleo for those of you into that. Coconut oil changed our lives.
To this day we don’t know why sex was painful for my wife. I have read just about every diagnosis on the internet, but none seem to fit completely. The doctors were no help. What I do know is that sometimes you need to take a step back and look at what you are doing. If what you are doing is not working, don’t continue because that feels safe, you are afraid, or that’s all you know. Have the courage to set off in a different direction and see if that gets you where you want to be.
M J Davis